Mari Through the Ages

Hello! This is something I made before my birthday.
I originally made this along with a comic...which sucked, so I will just post this instead.
So, while I made this little pic...I'm actually going to talk about certain stuff more in a more detailed way.

Because this is extremely long.
I will just leave a little message here:
You don't need to read all of this, I just made this because I've been wanting to take all of this stuff out of my heart.
Which I mean, I don't like my past "Epic Mario Player", and I'm not too fond of this username anymore either.
I'm ashamed of so many things I did, I'm sorry for certain things I did.
Also, that was the main reason for me to do this, but I didn't wanted just that, it would sound too self-hating.
So I decided to share so memories, thoughts, it's some kind of self-analysis.
That's all I can say.
(I actually recommend you to first read "16-17", then "18-19" and then later go up from 14-15 to the younger ages, not necessary, but it was the order in which I wrote everything).

Oh well...

"Daddy's Girl" 4-5
Little me, the youngest memories that I have (I was probably similar on younger ages, but of course, I can't really remember much, any memories of extremely little me is probably from here, it was when my young mind was being developed, evolving).
Well, I was really a happy girl, who couldn't stay far from her dad.
Here I first started learning so many things.
Man, it's a magical time, so many good memories.
Even the memories of me being scared, crying, having nightmares, anything else...they're all comforted by my dad's love.
It was so good.
Little Mari was daddy's girl, has always been, and always will be.
I love my dad, I will love my dad forever.
He's the reason I could be so happy.
He's why I know everything I know.


"Happy Child" 7-8 (well, it was not just these two ages, but I don't know, I was just trying to make some kind of timeline).
Oh, now I'm just going to act like a...I don't even know, but this is probably the weirdest thing ever...so, just, be aware, I'm saying this before I start writing things which might sound weird...
Well, this is the super cute Mari! Um...yeah, you just read that.
But, I'm sorry, I just was cute, the way I acted, the happy little girl who wants to be like her dad, who cries if she's not with her dad for too much time.
Who feels completely safe with her dad.
Sweet and gentle, likes to draw, is adorable.
(Also a cute short hair).
Ok, enough self-fangirling (if that makes any sense).
Um...I used to have a lot of fun, I started to like tokusatsu and things like that.
I like many things my dad liked.
And here, I was getting better at playing games, so I can remember more times where I could beat some games.
And...it was awesome!
I don't have real bad memories of this times.
Even when I got sad, hurt or anything, my dad would also comfort me.
Also, I'm pretty sure at these times (or a little bit earlier), I had my first experiences with the internet and computer (well, I kinda just played games that I could find).
It's weird, so many good memories, I could go on, but it would be too redundant...you can just say: I had a lot of fun, and that sums it up.


"Energetic Girl!" 11-13
I was getting "lively".
I started to play a lot outside as much as I play on inside.
And I had a lot of fun.
It's kinda weird to remember that I used run and jump all the time.
I don't have so much to talk about this era.
I actually had a short hair and I started to enjoy the art of fighting, not talking about games this time, it's just that I was learning some tricks and self-defense thing, I was loving it).

This Mari is the one who liked some action, watching, playing or reading anything about fighting was cool, and doing it was even cooler, even if just playing around making noises (I wouldn't really try to hurt anyone).
And I know I just said that on the picture, but I used quotes just to explain, I was not being specific, that's the short definition.
But well, I don't like the term "tomboyish" too much, I don't think liking something has anything to do with your gender.
I understand the term, that's why I used, but well, I don't think it fits me all too much, even if you want to go on by the definition, I don't think I act like a boy or anything.
And some things may clash with each other (in case someone is  trying to classify me as either tomboyish or girly).
It's all parts of my personality and etc.
I'm just myself, my normal self, and I can be kinda crazy, too happy, too quiet, too melancholic, anything, it all depends of the situation.
(Although...you could argue, I always got inspired by my dad, I was always wanting to be like him, do the things he does and etc, so...he's a guy, maybe that technically makes me boyish?).

My tastes don't inflict on my gender, at least that's what I think, specially because that can be inaccurate in so many ways.
For example, I don't care much about my appearance (compared to some more vain people), I comb my hair and wash it, I don't like to be dirty or sweaty...but that's really all, I don't use make up or any cosmetics, I like my natural self and I don't want to change. Some guys actually do, but they're still guys, they're not "girly" just because they are more vain. That doesn't mean anything.
If he likes something full of pink and flowers, that doesn't mean anything either.
Just like if I like something cute, colorful and childish (which I usually do, specially games) and a guy likes a more violent and gray scenario full of guns, that doesn't anything either.
If not every girl likes what's "girly" and not every boy likes what's "boyish", the terms are really vague. While they're ok, I naturally prefer to don't use them myself nowadays (unlike 16-17 year old Mari, who was kinda stupid).
Anyway, back to what I was saying...
These were enjoyable times, I had fun, I'm probably never going to be exactly like this again, maybe with friends or something (I can be more crazy with friends).

"Hardest Times" 14-15
Um...
This is the result of many things that I wouldn't like to talk about, I'm sorry, I don't want, I really don't.
(This will also for sure be the most melancholic part, just writing this makes me feel bad, I'm breathing deeply and trying to go on, please don't be harsh about this part here).
So...because of personal reasons, I definitely stopped wanting to talk with other people, see other people, go out and talk to anyone that was not my dad (also whoever my dad considered trustworthy).
These were the times I felt almost destroyed and weaker.
It's hard to explain, but I could feel angry, psychologically devastated, sad, but at these times I rarely felt happy.
I used to cry a lot when with my dad, and at the start, I was really scared of being alone at home.
I only felt completely safe with my dad, rarely that would be different.
And...it's hard because I don't want to talk about why I became like this, I'm fine with saying "many bad things happened", I just don't want to go into details...that would make me even more sad.
Nowadays I feel strong and successful for getting better and enduring those hard moments...but damn, I was sad...
I remember any time I felt bad, I talked a lot with my dad and hugged him (cried frequently too), and if he was not there at the moment, I would make drawings, and probably explain to him later and talk about them.
I was certainly not able to even try to be social.
It was like "My dad is the only one I can trust", and I never got out of home during these times (later on and even today, it would be more rare, but it happened...but here, no, Mari doesn't like outside).
My only one friend at the time would occasionally visit me, we would play and talk...it was certainly nice, and while it helped me a lot, it also made me grow a bond with him, after all, having a friend on those times was certainly amazing in an unspeakable way.
I appreciate to this day, that's actually something that makes me smile, and see myself in a better way, as someone who got strong and now is feeling happier, this makes me feel happy in a way, although the memories are pretty sad.
So...this Mari here makes me feel like a strong girl, with that I mean, "congratulations, Mari! You got through that, you are getting better"...it's hard to explain, but you would not even see me commenting anything, posting anything, I wouldn't communicating at all at those times. So that's something I say, I'm doing well! (I guess...)


"Epic Mario Player" era 16-17
This is where most of people here first met me...
Um...not the best one, I mean, during this time I was a little bit annoying.
Honestly, I was not bad, just childish...and I look back, and I don't like this past self very much.
The worst part is that I was not really like that outside of the internet.
But hey, that was a little bit of immaturity, and it was really my first time in a while trying to get along with lots of people...so I tried to leave a good impression, and sometimes it came out a little bit too exaggerated.
I also did stuff that I certainly wouldn't do today, and I'm kinda ashamed of some past things too.

Also...um...I really don't know why exactly I made the name Epic Mario Player.
Well, I don't like it all that much today, it sounds childish.
While, I'm not exactly the opposite of childish, specially at those times...I still don't like it all that much today.
It was supposed to be kind of a joke or something, but really, it became boring for me.
Another thing I didn't really liked, is that I really just tried to act "tougher" that I ever was outside of the internet.
It pretty much in the way that I talked, kinda all over the place.
I know I didn't wanted to look weak, fragile or anything, but it was quite forced.
And it was pretty stupid too, nowadays I would never do that.
It's just that...you know, I can't explain this now too easily, but I never liked to be look at as weak or dependent.
And after some times, I faced many problems through my life, and I didn't wanted them to ruin me.
I wanted to see them as beaten obstacles (which I probably didn't really beat, I don't know...).
So, starting at the middle of the 14-15 "era", I was getting a little bit hostile to unfamiliar people (well, kinda, I spent most of my time making darker drawings honestly).
And I was certainly kinda stressed, but I eventually calmed down, but kept the "be strong, Mari!" mindset...it's just bad that I took it to the wrong path..."be strong, Mari!" is not "Shove on people's faces how you are not weak, girly or scared, Mari!".
That was really stupid, I hate that the most (probably).
Also, I made most of my weaknesses look like something nice, or tried to act too different from my inner self, just for no reason (I don't understand certain things I did, really...).
"I don't get out of my house most of the time, because I don't want!"
-No, Mari, you rarely go out because you are scared of most people.
"I don't have many friends, but I don't need so many!"
-That's just dumb, you love your friends, and you're satisfied with them, that doesn't mean you wouldn't welcome newer ones...
(insert anything that says something like: "I don't want/need a boyfriend, I like to be alone, I can't feel love!" or anything similar)
-Um...the reason is mostly because you are scared of people, if you feel uncomfortable with them staring at you, then you will hardly go anywhere anyway, and you that's why you can't get in love with anyone yet, and no, you don't always enjoy being alone. (I'm a little bit unsure anyway, while the way I said such things were not the best, I can still say that I never felt in love...and I am in fact uninterested, but at least now I admit, the simple idea of someone touching my body can scare me off, I feel uncomfortable if someone does anything that is not a "friendly hug"...that's one of the reasons, there's also the fact that my own father had many unsuccessful relationships during his life, and I have seen him passing through hard times and saying that I was the only who could keep him happy at those times, I of course, grew to just don't want that to me, I wanted to stay with my father, so I could make him happy, there are other reasons, but let's just say...the thing is, I can't even see myself having a relationship, but I certainly think it could be possible someday...just maybe, who knows?).

There are more stuff about past me which are annoying to me...and that's not good, if your own actions annoy you, then you know something is bad.
Seriously, for anything I did, for whatever the hell I did, for anyone there who didn't liked something I did and are reading this mindless enormous fortress of text (um...weird way to talk about too much text, but well... you got it).
Seriously, I mean, really...I apologize, not a dry apologize, I really apologize for real, I mean, I feel horrible for some things I did, you don't even need to do anything, I'm just saying, I regret many of my past actions and things.
So...if I offended you, annoyed you, if I did anything to you...I'm sorry.

(tl;dr - I'm ashamed of my past actions, I was an idiot in many occasions, I'm sorry if I did anything to you).

"Now" 18-19.
While I can certainly talk about myself, and explain to you all.
No one here really interacted much with this era (which is...well...current me!).
Because you know, I'm not as enthusiastic as I was before, so no content, no activity, nothing, I'm kinda lazy, although more mature.
So...well, let's judge my current self!
Um...well, I totally wish I had the same enthusiasm, but with my mindset of now...seriously, I...I just feel so ashamed of some past things, I wish I could delete everything...but I wouldn't do it. I shouldn't erase my past, let people see if I evolved, and how much I did (hopefully I actually did....).
And, you know what? Isn't ironic? The previous Mari was always bragging about how she rarely would cry and all.
But current Mari, she brings back her past memories and personalty a little deeper (kinda...if that makes any sense), and thus, a thing that came back strongly is the melancholy...um...if that makes any sense...

But I guess you noticed, sometimes I'm acting like some retired lady, remembering her past and talking about it...no, I'm not exaggerating (ok, maybe I am...), but seriously, just...just look at this, it's a ginormous blockade of text! And a huuuuge part of it is filled, I mean, soaked in regret (hey, although I enjoy talking about the good things...one of the main reasons for this, is just that I wanted to express how I feel bad about my past actions and to apologize).
But hey, although it's clearly noticeable...it's already enough regret in just one post.
So...let's keep talking about current me!
I'm actually a pretty happy person (although I won't lie, writing this is making me feel a little down, but don't worry, I'm just "softer" because I'm opening myself and my feelings to write this...um...ok, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to sound melodramatic...it just comes out as this...damn, Mari!).
So yeah, I'm happy and I'm actually in years, finally trying to interact more with other people, trying to fight with my traumas and fears.
It's hard to explain how I changed, but, I'm certainly acting more naturally.
Oh...well, past Mari there would never make a text this long just about how she was worse back then.
Um...well, it is unnecessary to say the least, but I needed to get this all out of my chest, and this is the best way to do it.
Talking just about that would be boring, so I decided to talk about various phases of my life (which might be even more boring).
And damn, it's hard to talk about my current self, harder than I thought...
I'm getting kinda sad actually, what the hell? (I suspect I was just way more emotional and "soft", not in a noticeable way, but on the inside...or something, and now it's coming back again).

You know what? A simple way to see how I'm better now is just talking to me...um...anything.
I'm more friendly now, I don't to keep comparing myself to my old self, that's redundant and it's tiring.
You can also just observe the way I talk, I'm certainly a little better, less "cocky" and annoying.
I'm actually trying to be friendly, but well, just talking won't show anything.
But I can assure you, this is the Mari you all deserved to meet first, an actually nice girl.
Eh...I just don't know what to say anymore.
But, well, if I made a bad first impression, please reconsider, let's try again! I'm almost certainly I will not screw up this time!
And I want to talk and have friends again! I feel kinda lonely sometimes, so try it, I will be nice! c:
(Oh damn, I'm sounding miserable, that was not what I was going for...um...I don't know).
Hey, also, I can try to go out more often...just a little bit.
Honestly, if I could re-do what I did at the internet, but with current mind, I probably would (well, hopefully I wouldn't be lazy). XD
(Oh damn, I'm sounding miserable, that was not what I was going for...um...I don't know).

You read this until the end?
Well, thank you, really.
I passed days making all of this.
So, I hope that means something.
(Also, a real comic is being made, this was supposed to be a "hold up" while the comic was not done yet, but I didn't thought this would take days).
Man, this was tiring to make. ^^'